Always

 

Today was a pretty cool day. I got to know more people and appreciated the tranquility of life. I also got to know Gary's side regarding children and marriage. Just like before, I am still confused to where this relationship will lead us. I am pretty sure for myself though that I am dating for marriage I just don't know if he's the right person for me. 

I think of gary as a  younger person whom I need to protect and whom I need to provide for. He is quite immature for his age, I and many others (including her mom) says his younger brother who is almost 5 years younger than him is a lot more mature than he is. My boyfriend whom I am dating for almost 6 years is unapologetically immature that I think we might not end up together in the future. I do love him but there is this sense of "comfort, convenience, and security" that I don't feel towards him, that is "lacking" from him. 

I do really wish we end up together because I like his family, and for some reason I would love to be part of his family. But in the end of the day I will "marry" him and not his family. I will live with him and make family with him for the rest of my life. Could I do that? Could I be that person for him? Could he be that person for me? For a hopeless romatic like me, I want a love that will take a lifetime. I don't wanna do my parents' mistake of falling out of love in marriage, I want and need a love that will transend through time. A person who can be with me no matter what.

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Next

 

While I was finishing my laundry today (which was hand washed) I asked myself "Do I wanna do this all my life?" no, not just the laundry but the baby sitting. Do I really wanna do that for all my remaining years? I am still 26, I still have what atleast 44 years of being alive. 10 years of "semi adult life". I wanna see the world and experience the lifestyle that I want. Right now, I feel stuck. 

I feel wasted. 

I feel life just wasting away. 

I wanna go to work, but I don't know if I am fit for the job. I wanna start a business but I guess I need little push. I don't know. People who are supposed to push me to try and do my best are the people who don't wanna invest with me. Mamang, when I talked about the house at Emily. Gary, when I talked about the book business that I wanted last year. Sometimes I ask myself do I deserve this? or what did I do to deserve them? This kind of love? 

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Seeking

This is a blurred photo I took the other day, September 18, 2020. It wasn't the best place but it was a good place to unwind and to feel that you are just a part of a bigger picture. Today, I realized many things one of them is "letting God" just letting things happen. Just accepting the fact that I am powerless and I don't own anything or anyone in this world. I can't hold on to things. I can only strive to be better and to acknowledge the fact that though I am hurting and in pain I am "surviving". 

"I am stronger that's why I am alive" I am still alive. After 26 years of merely existing and contradicting myself, I am still alive. That is a milestone, I should acknowledge. Maybe in the future I can open all this up for the world to know and encourage them that we are all warriors and we fight not to succumb but to elevate to survive, always to survive. For love, for the unknown future, for hope and faith. 

Someday, everything will fall into place and I will know. For now, accept. For now, breathe. For now, stay still. 

I have always looked at other people as "lucky" lucky because I think I am unlucky. I always think that these people didn't have to work as hard as I do but still get more than the credits I get. I look at them with envious eyes and I look at the world differently because of all these. Perhaps I was angry since I was a little girl, because I can't get the family that I deserve, the love that I want and the compassion that I wanna get. Up until now it is still the same. I am dubbing myself as "unlucky" because even if I showered the world with love, be a wonderful lover, a good daughter and a generous friend. The world will still revolve and give me "shit". And I always thought to myself "of all these people I was chosen to be in this situation". I couldn't help it still, 'cause I am powerless and can't really do anything about any situation I just stood still and let it be, I didn't know how but I have always survived. 

I am probably unlucky in these world full of lucky idiots, will still probably be unlucky until my last breath. But look, I am a strong independent unlucky bastard who is still sane despite being miserable.

Diamond in the rough.

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Seventh

 

Anak, seven days na ka wala diri. Gimingaw na ko pag-ayo nimo. Sa nakakita sa imuha nak, unta muhumok iyahang kasing-kasing ug iuli ka sa amoa. Kay grabe gyud intawon ug dili nak, wala na baya gyud lain kong kauban diri. Ikaw ra gyud nak. Balik na nak, I pray na mabalik na gyud ka nak. Iuli na ka kung kinsa man ang nakakuha sa imuha.

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Lost

 

I don't know unsaon nako pag cope kung dili na tika makita, please balik na diri palangga. Gimingaw na si mama nimo. Bugops, Anak, Goy, Palangs, balik na diri. Kabalo ko karon ginabantayan ka ni Papang kung asa man ka. I know makabalik ka diri palangga. Mingaw na kaayo ko nimo. 

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ambiguous

 

this post is supposed to be a post yesterday but i didn't write anything and i ended up sleeping in the morning today while reading drowning love manga. yesterday, my feelings were all over the place even though i don't think that i am an open book, i guess people can still read through me. that's why i can't lie and i don't have to lie. i just listened to music and talked to people yesterday and i told them how i feel. that i felt like i have no one right now, especially the "boyfriend" type of no one. i told kuya hernan yesterday that i might end up my current relationship, but i still wanted to think this through since we have had a 6 long year relationship and just dumping this one down will be a total waste. 

i also talked to gary about his inability to be the "boyfriend" in this pandemic, he should told me to "chill". nakaingon ko ug "wow" well sa una pa lang ingon ana naman gyud siya. and ingon ani na pod ko. nahunahunaan nako na, kaya ba nako na ingon ani mi forever? do i want something like this forever. kanang mucontact lang sa imuha inig kailangan ka? but not wanted? this is what i told myself over and over again. i told myself, for a person with less to no expectations at all, i am quite disappointed. should i be, can i be this disappointed for all of our remaining years together?

nag storya pod ko kay kuya about his family, i told him na close mi ug okay man iyaha parents sa akoa. okay iyahang mga parente and all. he just shrugged me and said, "ang problema sila ba diay imuhang makauban forever". that struck me into the core. i have had years of thinking this through, over and over again i thought this through - but it seems like besides thinking - i am not doing anything and just merely waiting for something to change, but things never did change. i guess it's finally time to cut ties, and tell the truth - that i can't tolerate this anymore. this relationship has had its ups and downs and i have had the ability to learn new things. but finally, i can say with all sanity - i don't like this. wala ko gimingaw or anything i just don't want to be like this forever. sa una pa lang 2015, i have been trying my best - always trying my best, pero wala gihapon. i guess it's time to give this up and tell the truth. i don't want an invisible love or a kind of love that's always changing in season. i want the love that is permanent and constant. tambok, pangit, dili bright unsa pa tanaw nila sa akoa -  or basin makahunahuna na basin dili na ko magkauyab balik. hay, really? i know i can, pero i don't want to rush into these things anymore. 

next year i will be an architect, an architect with so much money i'm going to make an impact in this world with it. i'm going to make history.

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coping

 

i wrote my last post kagabii for august 8. so this will be my official post for today. this is my recent face. not too perfect and not skinny enough but "okay". nilakaw na si biebs kagaina maayo nalang pod gyud para makabuhat na pod ko sa akoang mga dapat buhaton like tong mag model. i really need money right now, daghan kaayo ko ug dapat bayaran ug daghan kaayo ko ug dapat adtoan. tomorrow will be a very busy day. since monday na gyud ug wala kaayo koy napala sa akoang week i guess it's time to get into work. i need something na mag produce sa akoa ug kwarta. i really need money.

sa karon mao lang sa gyud ang goal. money. i really need money. para sa akoang paputi ug para sa akoang life. basin this week daghan ug kailangan gastuhan. hopefully ma okay na ang tanan ug maka work ko. wala pod gud koy talent sa pagpanarbaho ba. sa business pod passtime lang nako dili pod kaayo nako ginaseryoso. though okay siya pero need gyud nako ug pang rolling na kwarta pod. mamalit napod ko books next time. sa karon kani lang sa gyud akong mabuhat.

need to do all my drafting.

need to do all my chores. maayo nalang nahuman nako ug panglaba.

after this balik sa workmode na. 

until next time. 

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living

 wow, it's been a while. since i wrote something in this blog. it has been a very tiring year, 2020. the year of the covid pandemic. the first year that i have realized that i will be forever alone. it's just the way of life - we live, we die - and papang just went on ahead without me. 

sa pagkakaron since ako nalang man gyud is a, for the first time in this 5 months of thinking. finally, i have decided to write a blog. i have been planning to write this for a while now - but i was kinda held up with unnecessary things. i remember, sa una sige ko'g sulat about love life. karon wala ko kabalo kung dapat naa pa ba koy isulat. naa koy friend diri sa boarding house, she had a fight with her boyfriend - about things na sa una concern pod kaayo nako. pero karon? hmm, i don't know. i guess i don't care anymore. i think, sa relasyon you don't need too much effort kay kung sa imuha, imuha gyud. 

sa among pag storya-storya kagaina i realized na dugay nagyud diay mi wala nagkita sa akoang uyab. akong uyab na murag wala ra pod. after papang's passing, he also went away. nilakaw siya ug wala na siya nibalik ug murag sa akoang panan-aw wala pod siyay plano mubalik. should i really think about it? medyo maulaw ko sa ubang tao muingon sila na "kuyawa sa imuhang uyab oy" but the truth is, wala na ko nakuyawan - i had probably known this all along. he was a sad excuse for being a boyfriend. now that i think about it wala gyud koy nakuha. i was stupid enough to think na gusto niya mag next level sa akoa, like walking down the aisle kind of stupid thinking. pero, murag dili ko ganahan. sa akoa karon akong thinking, makakita pa ko mas better kanang ma-alagaan ko. ug dili ko i-disregard, hilabi na ug kabalo siya na wala koy laing tao makapitan. sad but true, the truth hurts pero dili ibig-sabihin na dili na nato dawaton ang truth. maong, mag tiwas lang ko sa exam. sabay lang gihapon mi. i will do my best sa negosyo and tong akong dream on becoming a comic artist. one day, it will come true. after the exam i will think again about this, sa karon akoa lang sa palipason. 

hantod mahuman lang among exam ug makapasa na mi sa board. then i will think about this again, kung mao ba ni na dagan sa kinabuhi ang akong gusto. or gusto lang ba ko na ako nalang gyud isa sa for the time being. 'cause i realized, i really liked being alone. not all the time though, pero i like it - it helps me think. 

sa karon gani naa diri si biebs, weirdly giinvite ko niya na mag celebrate sa graduation ni flong-flong and sa birthday sa iyahang manghod na si jona. then gibawi ra sad niya. well when i think about it mas convenient sa akoa kay hagu bitaw kaayo maglakaw-lakaw ugma nya basin mahuman gabii na tapos naa pod ko buhatonon na model, sayang pod to 2000 pesos worth. akoa nalang gyud buhaton, unta maapreciate sa tag-iya. di baya gyud ko hawod maong dapat sugdan na nako dayon. 

ana pod akong uyab na mubalik na daw siya next week, ambot lang. kung unsa gyud na ka tinuod. wala na kaayo koy hope ato sa iyaha. na realize gyud nako kung unsa ko ka effort na tao, na grabe gyud diay ko magsumikap sa mga butang na gusto nako. siguro kani siya na spirit, akoa nalang ibutang sa lahi na bagay. like akong love sa language ug sa learning. dili na ko sigeg expect, wala gyud koy napala. pasalamat pod ko karon kay paspas na kaayo ko maglabay ug tao. pag unecessary may pag wala nalang. wala may mawala sa akoa ug wala sila. sila ang mawalaan, kay diba? wala gyud koy na gain nila.

so mao to, i just miss my papang and i miss my home. i miss myself and i missed out. i don't really have regrets but i wish the world could just stop for a while. but that's pretty impossible. 

by the way, that is my crush. he's just the type of person i wanna be. someone who knows his goals and never stops until he reaches it. someone like dao ming si. i just put his photo on the upper side of the bed so i can remember what i wanted to become.

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