ambiguous

 

this post is supposed to be a post yesterday but i didn't write anything and i ended up sleeping in the morning today while reading drowning love manga. yesterday, my feelings were all over the place even though i don't think that i am an open book, i guess people can still read through me. that's why i can't lie and i don't have to lie. i just listened to music and talked to people yesterday and i told them how i feel. that i felt like i have no one right now, especially the "boyfriend" type of no one. i told kuya hernan yesterday that i might end up my current relationship, but i still wanted to think this through since we have had a 6 long year relationship and just dumping this one down will be a total waste. 

i also talked to gary about his inability to be the "boyfriend" in this pandemic, he should told me to "chill". nakaingon ko ug "wow" well sa una pa lang ingon ana naman gyud siya. and ingon ani na pod ko. nahunahunaan nako na, kaya ba nako na ingon ani mi forever? do i want something like this forever. kanang mucontact lang sa imuha inig kailangan ka? but not wanted? this is what i told myself over and over again. i told myself, for a person with less to no expectations at all, i am quite disappointed. should i be, can i be this disappointed for all of our remaining years together?

nag storya pod ko kay kuya about his family, i told him na close mi ug okay man iyaha parents sa akoa. okay iyahang mga parente and all. he just shrugged me and said, "ang problema sila ba diay imuhang makauban forever". that struck me into the core. i have had years of thinking this through, over and over again i thought this through - but it seems like besides thinking - i am not doing anything and just merely waiting for something to change, but things never did change. i guess it's finally time to cut ties, and tell the truth - that i can't tolerate this anymore. this relationship has had its ups and downs and i have had the ability to learn new things. but finally, i can say with all sanity - i don't like this. wala ko gimingaw or anything i just don't want to be like this forever. sa una pa lang 2015, i have been trying my best - always trying my best, pero wala gihapon. i guess it's time to give this up and tell the truth. i don't want an invisible love or a kind of love that's always changing in season. i want the love that is permanent and constant. tambok, pangit, dili bright unsa pa tanaw nila sa akoa -  or basin makahunahuna na basin dili na ko magkauyab balik. hay, really? i know i can, pero i don't want to rush into these things anymore. 

next year i will be an architect, an architect with so much money i'm going to make an impact in this world with it. i'm going to make history.