Lost

 

I don't know unsaon nako pag cope kung dili na tika makita, please balik na diri palangga. Gimingaw na si mama nimo. Bugops, Anak, Goy, Palangs, balik na diri. Kabalo ko karon ginabantayan ka ni Papang kung asa man ka. I know makabalik ka diri palangga. Mingaw na kaayo ko nimo. 

Read More

ambiguous

 

this post is supposed to be a post yesterday but i didn't write anything and i ended up sleeping in the morning today while reading drowning love manga. yesterday, my feelings were all over the place even though i don't think that i am an open book, i guess people can still read through me. that's why i can't lie and i don't have to lie. i just listened to music and talked to people yesterday and i told them how i feel. that i felt like i have no one right now, especially the "boyfriend" type of no one. i told kuya hernan yesterday that i might end up my current relationship, but i still wanted to think this through since we have had a 6 long year relationship and just dumping this one down will be a total waste. 

i also talked to gary about his inability to be the "boyfriend" in this pandemic, he should told me to "chill". nakaingon ko ug "wow" well sa una pa lang ingon ana naman gyud siya. and ingon ani na pod ko. nahunahunaan nako na, kaya ba nako na ingon ani mi forever? do i want something like this forever. kanang mucontact lang sa imuha inig kailangan ka? but not wanted? this is what i told myself over and over again. i told myself, for a person with less to no expectations at all, i am quite disappointed. should i be, can i be this disappointed for all of our remaining years together?

nag storya pod ko kay kuya about his family, i told him na close mi ug okay man iyaha parents sa akoa. okay iyahang mga parente and all. he just shrugged me and said, "ang problema sila ba diay imuhang makauban forever". that struck me into the core. i have had years of thinking this through, over and over again i thought this through - but it seems like besides thinking - i am not doing anything and just merely waiting for something to change, but things never did change. i guess it's finally time to cut ties, and tell the truth - that i can't tolerate this anymore. this relationship has had its ups and downs and i have had the ability to learn new things. but finally, i can say with all sanity - i don't like this. wala ko gimingaw or anything i just don't want to be like this forever. sa una pa lang 2015, i have been trying my best - always trying my best, pero wala gihapon. i guess it's time to give this up and tell the truth. i don't want an invisible love or a kind of love that's always changing in season. i want the love that is permanent and constant. tambok, pangit, dili bright unsa pa tanaw nila sa akoa -  or basin makahunahuna na basin dili na ko magkauyab balik. hay, really? i know i can, pero i don't want to rush into these things anymore. 

next year i will be an architect, an architect with so much money i'm going to make an impact in this world with it. i'm going to make history.

Read More

coping

 

i wrote my last post kagabii for august 8. so this will be my official post for today. this is my recent face. not too perfect and not skinny enough but "okay". nilakaw na si biebs kagaina maayo nalang pod gyud para makabuhat na pod ko sa akoang mga dapat buhaton like tong mag model. i really need money right now, daghan kaayo ko ug dapat bayaran ug daghan kaayo ko ug dapat adtoan. tomorrow will be a very busy day. since monday na gyud ug wala kaayo koy napala sa akoang week i guess it's time to get into work. i need something na mag produce sa akoa ug kwarta. i really need money.

sa karon mao lang sa gyud ang goal. money. i really need money. para sa akoang paputi ug para sa akoang life. basin this week daghan ug kailangan gastuhan. hopefully ma okay na ang tanan ug maka work ko. wala pod gud koy talent sa pagpanarbaho ba. sa business pod passtime lang nako dili pod kaayo nako ginaseryoso. though okay siya pero need gyud nako ug pang rolling na kwarta pod. mamalit napod ko books next time. sa karon kani lang sa gyud akong mabuhat.

need to do all my drafting.

need to do all my chores. maayo nalang nahuman nako ug panglaba.

after this balik sa workmode na. 

until next time. 

Read More

living

 wow, it's been a while. since i wrote something in this blog. it has been a very tiring year, 2020. the year of the covid pandemic. the first year that i have realized that i will be forever alone. it's just the way of life - we live, we die - and papang just went on ahead without me. 

sa pagkakaron since ako nalang man gyud is a, for the first time in this 5 months of thinking. finally, i have decided to write a blog. i have been planning to write this for a while now - but i was kinda held up with unnecessary things. i remember, sa una sige ko'g sulat about love life. karon wala ko kabalo kung dapat naa pa ba koy isulat. naa koy friend diri sa boarding house, she had a fight with her boyfriend - about things na sa una concern pod kaayo nako. pero karon? hmm, i don't know. i guess i don't care anymore. i think, sa relasyon you don't need too much effort kay kung sa imuha, imuha gyud. 

sa among pag storya-storya kagaina i realized na dugay nagyud diay mi wala nagkita sa akoang uyab. akong uyab na murag wala ra pod. after papang's passing, he also went away. nilakaw siya ug wala na siya nibalik ug murag sa akoang panan-aw wala pod siyay plano mubalik. should i really think about it? medyo maulaw ko sa ubang tao muingon sila na "kuyawa sa imuhang uyab oy" but the truth is, wala na ko nakuyawan - i had probably known this all along. he was a sad excuse for being a boyfriend. now that i think about it wala gyud koy nakuha. i was stupid enough to think na gusto niya mag next level sa akoa, like walking down the aisle kind of stupid thinking. pero, murag dili ko ganahan. sa akoa karon akong thinking, makakita pa ko mas better kanang ma-alagaan ko. ug dili ko i-disregard, hilabi na ug kabalo siya na wala koy laing tao makapitan. sad but true, the truth hurts pero dili ibig-sabihin na dili na nato dawaton ang truth. maong, mag tiwas lang ko sa exam. sabay lang gihapon mi. i will do my best sa negosyo and tong akong dream on becoming a comic artist. one day, it will come true. after the exam i will think again about this, sa karon akoa lang sa palipason. 

hantod mahuman lang among exam ug makapasa na mi sa board. then i will think about this again, kung mao ba ni na dagan sa kinabuhi ang akong gusto. or gusto lang ba ko na ako nalang gyud isa sa for the time being. 'cause i realized, i really liked being alone. not all the time though, pero i like it - it helps me think. 

sa karon gani naa diri si biebs, weirdly giinvite ko niya na mag celebrate sa graduation ni flong-flong and sa birthday sa iyahang manghod na si jona. then gibawi ra sad niya. well when i think about it mas convenient sa akoa kay hagu bitaw kaayo maglakaw-lakaw ugma nya basin mahuman gabii na tapos naa pod ko buhatonon na model, sayang pod to 2000 pesos worth. akoa nalang gyud buhaton, unta maapreciate sa tag-iya. di baya gyud ko hawod maong dapat sugdan na nako dayon. 

ana pod akong uyab na mubalik na daw siya next week, ambot lang. kung unsa gyud na ka tinuod. wala na kaayo koy hope ato sa iyaha. na realize gyud nako kung unsa ko ka effort na tao, na grabe gyud diay ko magsumikap sa mga butang na gusto nako. siguro kani siya na spirit, akoa nalang ibutang sa lahi na bagay. like akong love sa language ug sa learning. dili na ko sigeg expect, wala gyud koy napala. pasalamat pod ko karon kay paspas na kaayo ko maglabay ug tao. pag unecessary may pag wala nalang. wala may mawala sa akoa ug wala sila. sila ang mawalaan, kay diba? wala gyud koy na gain nila.

so mao to, i just miss my papang and i miss my home. i miss myself and i missed out. i don't really have regrets but i wish the world could just stop for a while. but that's pretty impossible. 

by the way, that is my crush. he's just the type of person i wanna be. someone who knows his goals and never stops until he reaches it. someone like dao ming si. i just put his photo on the upper side of the bed so i can remember what i wanted to become.

Read More