" usahay ganahan man ko naay kauban pero mostly mas gusto nako ako ra isa, malunod sa couch or bed matulog, magtan-aw ug movie. ana lang. simple. "
why?
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Friday, December 29, 2017
Saturday, May 27, 2017
highblood
" seriously, i like helping people out pero kanang daghan nagyud kaayo ug edit-edit? tanaw nila dali lang buhaton? choosy kaayo, nya wala raba gyud niy bayad oy. jusko. pwede mahagu? lol. seryoso gyud. sakit pagyud kaayo akong ulo ug akong liog. pero naa bay nag care? wala. maski pa ug maglumpasay ko diri. hilak ko buntag hantod gabii ug dili ko magkaon. wala gyuy mag care. maskig siya. maong wala lang unsaon man na nato alangan ug pugson nga dili man gusto?
mag move on e, maningkamot na makalimot na maging okay ug maging ayos. para dili na makadisturbo sa kahit kinsang tao. sa tinuod lang siguro mao na akong pinaka hate na butang sa kalibutan kanang ipa-feel sa imuha na disturbo ka maskig unsa pa ka ka welcoming na tao. maong gusto gyud ko maging sought after. kay ikaw gukdon ug dili ikaw ang mugukod. tas siguro sa ingun ana na sitwasyon unta makita na nako akong sarili ug maapreciate nako akong strenght ug akong beauty."
Saturday, May 6, 2017
anxiety
"haven't really remembered to post something here yesterday. i wasn't feeling pretty well. so this is what i did yesterday, besides being home and watching we bare bears and other movies especially jessica jones. so yesterday i did this too, for him to know how disappointed i am with him. told him na maypa magbulag nalang mi or pasagdan nalang ko niya ug dili nalang ko niya hilabtan kung pasakitan lang ko niya ug dili siya mureply sa mga messages nako.
tapos, nagingon siya na "lage mag reply nako" na mura ba ug napilitan pero wala siya nagsugot na magbulag mi. suko ko sa iyaha ato nakahilak ko. pero okay na mi karon. kay sa karon naga reply na siya sa akoang text ug wala na siya sige ug pabadlong sa akoa. besides gusto lang man nako na masunod ko, na magreply siya sa akong text or messages atleast. makabalo ko kung naunsa na siya diba? though mubo kaayo iyahang mga reply. as long as nag reply siya okay nalang. kay dili raba nako siya makita."
Friday, May 5, 2017
unloved
"from i love you so much to nothing at all. i guess every relationship is like that and maybe all of the relationships i have will turn into a failure 'cause i'm a hurricane - i need lots of attention. i had a fight with gary last time. me telling him that he should reply to my messages 'cause i am so tired of waiting for him to do so. this has been a recurring problem ever since we started dating way back 2014. and i guess some things just don't change. he's your typical -'kung wala, wala kung naa, naa' type of person. i don't know if i can live with that. kung walay magbago mas maayo pa siguro kung wala nalang. i have to say that i do love him, but sometimes love is not enough to sustain the relationship. i never told him to come here or to be with me 'personally' i was just asking his reply, 30 seconds of his time.
pero, wala siya kasabot. dili gyud na niya masabtan. naisip nako kung dili siya sa akoa fine, kay dili ko runner na sige'g gukod gukod. wala man gani nako gigukod ug tiwas akong thesis, siya pa kaha. naisip lang nako na waste of time kaayo sige ug huna-huna sa mga tao nga wala naga huna-huna sa imuha. kanang tipong 'lol wtf asshole' sorry medyo taas gyud ni siya na post karon. gusto gyud nako siya apparently kay ginahulat paman gyud nako siya pirmi maski ug ginaingon nako na 'dili na'. siguro it'll just take time. kung pasagdaan ko niya mawala - it was probably never meant to work out. malay nako diba naa diay sa america akong future or sa japan. you'll never know.
so dili nako sa mga tao oy na dili pod sa akoa. humana ko ana. haha, naa pagyud tong friend nako na gi-joke lang nako na triggered na. i used to call him igagaw but maybe the reason why he hated what my other female friend did to him is that because they are the same specie. so, bahala pod to siya di man pod nako siya kailangan ug naa pa koy utang sa iyaha mao lang to. besides pila pa man nako ni ka years kaila ning mga tawhana ni? gary i've known him for what? 3 years? and my 'igagaw kuno' for 4 years? probably or was it also 3?
dili parehas sa pagkaila nako kay jai, 9 years. tapos kay jennifer 10 years and kay camille gyud 15 years!? see, makaila lang ka sa mga tao gyud kung imuha silang nakaila for pila ka years. ug mag last gyud pod. wala man pod koy pake kung 3 ra na sila ug dili ana ka daghan diba? so what. as long as i know i can always count on them. these people maski'g masuko pa ko nila or masuko sila sa akoa or kung pahulaton man nako sila ug ma-late man ko. palannga gihapon ko.
so, maski ug maguban man mi ana ni gary. maski pa ug adlaw adlaw wala gyud ko kaila ana sa iyaha whole heartedly wala ko kaila sa iyaha ug kung unsa na siya sa uban wala ko nakasure ug wala ko kabalo kung unsa niya ka palangga iyahang ginikanan o igsoon or pamilya or friends. or anyone. mag 3 years pa lang man pod mi. magkauyab. so do i really know him? inside-out? i don't think so. naa pa ko sa phase of seing who he really is. dili man ko nagajudge ug tao. i know that for sure. so kung unsa akoang makita ug mabati mao na akong tinuod na judgement over time.
i used to think katong bata pa ko na, every relationship is the same. whether sa pamilya o sa mga amigo or sa uyab nimo. tanan ni sila magdugay ug ang panahon lang ang makatagna. kailangan siguro nako i-surround akong sarili ug mga tao na kaila sa akoa. ug kahibalo sa akong utok. katong last time gani tong giingnan nako si jai na naa koy depression wala siya nag question. ana siya na 'naa ko didto tong ingon ana ka' mura ba ug naga pahiwatig na kabalo na siya daan. sige gyud ko buhat buhat ug pabor para sa uban wala man lang nako gipangtanaw akong mga relasyon na nagdugay sa akoa. siguro ako pod mismo i have to set my priorities straight. kana gyud siguro ang best na dapat nako buhaton. kung love ko ana ni gary, magpabilin na siya kung dili mulakaw na siya. kay ana man gyud na. naay mga tao na mulakaw ug magpabilin. normal na na siya. so ugma napod haha. taasa kaayo pero atleast naka vexed out ko."
Sunday, February 26, 2017
manuscript
"besides being totally broke today, i got my lats and superworms. it was supposed to be a manuscript making day and i was so alone in the room yet i ended up sleeping for the rest of the evening. what a total waste of time. this is one of the things that i hated about myself, time management. i list down items that i do not really do. i really need to change this habit"
PS: i also saw my tarantulas eat, and it was awesome.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
return
"today is sunday, it's been a month since i last posted here. i had time but it was so hard to comeback knowing that it has been so long since the last time - and there was so much things going on - and i was supposed to put things here daily. so from today onward i will really try my best in everything i do. no matter what other people say, i will still do it bahala na! truth is, i just dropped the subject - i haven't failed. and if i need all these time - i shall have all these time. if other people would give up on me, i should never give up on myself. i can do this. I CAN DO THIS! i believe i can, i shall endure this. before this semester ends, i will have all my plans checked by my teacher-in-charge and my adviser."
PS: the photos that i will be posting are on photos i did on saturday 'cause my day today haven't really started yet. but i shall post again later.
so yesterday, i was with gary 'cause i had made plans to do my thesis there but haven't really did anything, i just slept and watched movies. i think i should just leave my laptop here at home and then hurry back here each day to draft.
Monday, February 20, 2017
ingay's day
"this is a fill in, it was monday at that time and it was my mother's birthday. i fetched her in the airport at 4am with my aunt gloria and at night we went on to jack's ridge to eat dinner, without papang but i'll just insert him here. via letters."
Sunday, January 8, 2017
church
" went to church today, and it was good. i went with papang and ante inday though i have small problems because of money, i know i will be okay and my thesis, gary's thesis and arch 500 will be just fine. i just need to be more vigilant! naa bitaw si Lord. kailangan pod ko mag fasting ug mag abstinence. "
Saturday, January 7, 2017
dilemma
" i am writing this again by memory 'cause i haven't really wrote anything this last few days, so here it is -- i woke up at 3am and found burjack (gary and the gang likes to call him bruce and he is somehow accustomed to his name now) pooped, well it was disgusting. i told burjack to be patient 'cause i'll be back, i'll just have to do my own business in the cr -- when i was back he almost ate all his poop, and it was a horrible experience.
when the night went on, mamang told me that she did not include papang in our monthly budget -- and it was so disturbing, i don't know what was in her mind at all. maybe she didn't know that when the time comes that she could not work anymore -- i will be the one to care for her 'cause those people who she thought was trustworthy enough wasn't really worthy at all. i told her but she wouldn't listen -- so, i can't do anything but be sad about that fact alone "
Friday, January 6, 2017
home
" sometimes i miss being home and other times i just don't wanna be home, maybe if i'll be able to just live with papang alone with our pets we'll be better. having to live in a house that is almost rundown and is dirty plus it has my cousins in it, and they are ungrateful and they does not respect me or papang -- or our home as a matter of fact -- i just wish that someday i will have a home of my own with papang in it and we'll be happy -- 'cause you know, i will never leave papang no matter what. haven't been home everyday for the last couple of years but i will never leave him. "
Thursday, January 5, 2017
grumpy
" the first photo was generated 'cause my teacher had finished our lessons late (which i totally understand 'cause thanks to him we don't have to go to school tomorrow) and gary has to get his plans checked at 11am -- i wasn't been able to sleep at night my body was really tired and i rested from 2:30 pm to 8:00 pm -- haven't really worked my butt off on gary's thesis -- i kept on asking myself if this all worth it in the end, the way people look at me -- like i do not have any dignity at all (this is about the land lady) while i was doing my very best on something that is not really mine. i remember jovelle (jek's friend) told me "ikaw lang man gihapon ang makabenifit ana, te" and i told him "dili man ni akoa" but yet i was doing my best while gary is sleeping -- telling me that he cannot do it and has so many rants, seeing him like that has had made me grumpy all day 'cause it was like what the fuck gar, ginatabangan ka -- halos wala kay trabaho sa imuhang thesis, ikaw pa kusog magreklamo na dili nimo kaya! samantalang ako sa una -- wala gyuy nagtabang sa akoa gikan sa akoang manuscript hantod sa akoang plans ug pirmi ka wala ug permi ka magrason maong maka depressed gyud -- ug maong wala gyud ko nahuman kay besides sa kulang ko ug support wala gyud kuy maisip -- to be honest, swerte na kaayo ka sayon imuhang project ug naa pa kay kauban. so ayaw ko ingna na dili nimo kaya - dili lang gyud nimo gusto! kay lahi ng wala gyud nakaya ug dili gyud makaya, kay naexperience gyud nako na-- but hey i'm okay"
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
memory
" to be utterly honest i forgot to take photos on january 4 because i was so busy drafting gary's floor plans and site plan so here is what happened based on my memory -- it was an actual normal day, the day when angkol (the boy in the photo) told me that he knew the real deal about his ex-girlfriend auntie (who was one of my closest friend) and it was also the day when the land lady of gary and jek's flat said "nagadala pagyud mo ug babae diri" like i was eventually one of the reasons their water bill is high this all happened while i was doing my nails. i hate to say this but she actually thought that i am a sex slave or whatsoever and that i am not really here for the thesis -- and after all the nights and days i worked so damn hard, that is sad "
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
burjack
"so we went and name this dog, bruce but the name burjack is so funny and somehow suits hi -- still he was called bruce -- i and jekjek. calls him burjack for enjoyment though. we've connected to a faster network (internet) today thanks to kuya buddy (the guy who worked here at YOD) told him we'll connect for a week -- though i haven't payed him yet, i will eventually tomorrow."
Monday, January 2, 2017
sleepy
"it was a super tiring day, ended up grumpy and mad. he still made me smile by just being his funny weird self. made a fruit salad for papang and him today, haven't got the photo but it tasted great! we also went out to get his new dog today. lastly we went to nccc to buy his leash and saw kuya martin and daphne, she's such a sweet kid."
Sunday, January 1, 2017
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Who am I?
- Rolf Passage
- I am nothing but an ordinary human being. But I can be your nightmare and your dream, your universe and your hell . I am not a damsel in distress, trying to make my way out waiting for my prince. I am a hero in my own little world, a fighter , a helper for those in need. I am the raindrop that waits to become a water vapor and to comeback in the never ending sky.